My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
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Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃