“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
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🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Yup.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog