Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.