me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it