ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE