PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.