My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
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[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”