Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
can you read it!!??
maan!
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.