[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there