I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film