The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate