Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
lmfao come on
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.