Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.