Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.