[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
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Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
So the ex texted me
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.