This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
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Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.