My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”