I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
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Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …