A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My new favorite headline
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no