my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
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Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.