My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
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I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.