Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
BaD BoY!!
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.