My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!