Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
gentlemen, hear me out
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.