Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
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LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.