I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
welcome back
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial