[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
You Might Also Like
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
getting old is fun
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.