Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that