My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.