Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
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Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.