🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.