How do you like your Corgi?
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog