WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My plans: 2020:
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream