BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth