WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”