I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
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formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.