(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
You Might Also Like
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up