There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
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The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo