watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure