The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money