god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
accurate
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Dishonest mechanic?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”