“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
You Might Also Like
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?