[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
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Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
when mom throws a party…
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking