Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
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– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Passwords are more important than ever.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets