THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
so itâs mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, itâs all âhow did you even do thatâ and âwhat the hellâ
Them: I donât like you.
Me:
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
me: i really messed up this time. weâre in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said âI donât want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happyâ well thatâs a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relevâ
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, itâs my husband
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldnât bother me except for the fact that I didnât ask
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with youđ.
Iâm just a girl reading the news in KYIV like âKentucky four.â
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: Butââ
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Iâm like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute itâs a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my âcandy vanâ.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Sonâs journal entry
đŻ sweet đŻ inaccurate on all counts
My dentist calls himself the âtooth guyâ because heâs fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.