Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
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Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors