*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
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It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no