NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Ok but actually
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.