wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
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I’m having an out of money experience.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried