A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo